it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
