bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
