I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
