My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
