Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
