I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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