god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
