I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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