I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
