I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
