If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
