I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
