I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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