The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
