....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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