a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
