It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
