My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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