I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
