He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
