someone threw a dead crab at me
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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