I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
