its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
