my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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