Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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