Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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