whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
