I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
