The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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