It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
