the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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