just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
