just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
