a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
