I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
