i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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