Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
