He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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