my sisters under your porch take her home
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
