thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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