True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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