the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Randomize
