I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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