Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
