Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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