remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
