This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
