Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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