she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
