I just threw up on my dentist
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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