I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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