The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
