chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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